Ep #231: Why Believing You’re “Starting Over Again” Keeps You Stuck

Hey, this is Lindsay Dotzlaf and you are listening to Mastering Coaching Skills episode 231. To really compete in the coaching industry, you have to be great at coaching. That’s why every week, I will be answering your questions, sharing my stories, and offering tips and advice so you can be the best at what you do. Let’s get to work.

Hey coach, as always, I am so glad you’re here today and I can’t wait to tell you what we’re going to talk about. So today I have an episode planned that is this interesting thing that just keeps popping up. I keep hearing it over and over and over from many of my clients and it just made me think I need to record a podcast about this. So that’s what we’re gonna do today.

I’m going to talk all about a belief or a thought that many coaches have at some point that holds them back and that keeps you from being the best coach you can be. And if you don’t have this thought, although I would argue, I’m sure you have at some point. I’m going to give you lots of examples today that will probably have you seeing yourself in at least one of them.

But even if you don’t recognize yourself in any of this, that’s okay because for sure your clients show up with this thought or this belief about themselves on occasion or about the work they’re doing with you. So either way, it’s gonna be really helpful. And feel free to use anything I talk about in this episode to kind of teach your clients about this and show them that this thought that they’re thinking, this belief that they have isn’t necessarily true.

So the thought is, or the belief that a lot of, almost corrected myself and then said like, no, not really a lot, but it feels like a lot. It’s something that keeps showing up in many different ways that I just keep seeing over and over is this belief, I can’t believe I’m back here again, or I shouldn’t have to start over, or I should be further along than where I am. I shouldn’t have to do this, whatever this is in the moment. And it could be any form of those, and it could show up in different ways, especially with your clients.

Obviously, when I talk about this, I want you to think about it more as the concept because your clients might use slightly different words or when you say it to yourself, it might be in slightly different words, but the overall concept is still going to be true, right?

So this thought that’s like, I’ve made so much progress or I have learned this specific skill or I’ve worked so hard on changing my beliefs or changing the way I show up in my life or in certain situations. And then something happens that feels like it sets you back and then you have this thought, ugh, I can’t believe I’m back here again. Right, and it kind of like takes you back like to thinking you’re starting over, you’re starting from scratch. And it can be really heavy and feel overall kind of terrible and I don’t want that to happen to you. So if you’ve ever experienced that this episode is certainly for you and hopefully this will help you recognize when your clients bring this to you as well.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell you first what else could be going on, like kind of prove to you how it’s not true that you’re starting over So what could be true instead? Then we’re gonna talk about why it’s a problem when you have that thought and then kind of what to think about instead or what belief that you could latch onto or hang onto when you’re in this situation. And then I’m going to give you some really specific examples.

The examples of clients that have said similar things to me recently that prompted this episode, some examples that I made up about what your clients might bring to you in specific niches, and then a couple of my own examples that have happened recently that I have been on to myself about.

So this thought, I shouldn’t be back here, or I can’t believe I’m here, I can’t believe I’m starting again, I should be further ahead, any form of it, here’s why it’s a problem. I mean, first, it’s kind of obvious why it’s a problem, right? The main reason is it has you feeling terrible. There’s nothing about it that is like promoting a good feeling inside of you when you’re thinking that thought, right? And when you’re believing it. I’m starting over, here I am again, will have you feeling terrible.

And then whatever that feeling is, whether it’s shame or irritation or frustration or rage or whatever it is for you, then it will prevent you from solving whatever the thing is that’s coming up. It will prevent you from getting the help that you need for asking for help, for getting support.

It could have you looping back into that old mindset, right? If you really believe like, oh, I’m starting over again. What will you do in that situation if you really believe it is you’ll start to go back to like, okay, well, if I’m starting over again, then here’s what I did years ago before I was working on this. And it’ll have you going back into that mindset, going back into that identity, and then of course, creating maybe some of those same results, which is not what we want happening.

And it can really start to undo, it can like rock your confidence, right? And start to undo some or all of the new beliefs or new thoughts, new, you know, whatever that you’ve worked so hard to ingrain in yourself, right? That you have spent all of this time working towards.

Now even when this is happening and maybe you’re looping back into some old thoughts and it is starting to contradict some new beliefs that you’ve been working on. Maybe if they’re not fully settled in yet, then it might be a little easier to kind of rock those beliefs. But I do want to just kind of put a pin in right here that says, even if you are looping back into old patterns, that doesn’t actually mean that you are going back to the beginning. It’s more like it’s mimicking it, right? It just kind of has you back there, but you can also see it when you recognize it and you change your thoughts, which I’ll get to in a minute, you can step right back into the place where you were. So I just want to say that before you’re like, oh no, before you spiral into dread.

So the thought that I think instead of this, and that I’ve been telling so many of my clients recently, is it’s literally impossible to go backwards. Any progress that you’ve made, I know some of you, you’re like wanting to argue with me right now when you hear that, but hear me out. Any progress you have made, you get to keep forever.

And this will be easier to see when I share some examples. But any progress you have made, new beliefs you’ve created, new skills you’ve developed, even when things aren’t going your way, or you have a setback, or something, a circumstance changes that rocks your confidence, it is still impossible to go backwards.

You still get to keep all the learning that you had doing the new thing. And what happens when you remind yourself of this, right, when you’re like, nope, that’s actually impossible, I can’t go backwards, is that you will start to problem solve differently, right? It can help you get out of the funk, It can help you start to feel not terrible or at least start to shift that in a positive direction.

And then, you know, it’ll have you problem solving differently. And then, of course, it’ll create different results. And it’ll allow you to approach the thing, whatever the thing is, with a beginner’s mind. When you’re shaming yourself and saying, I shouldn’t be back here again, or I can’t believe I’m starting over, that’s like, I used to be really good at this thing and now for some reason I’m not, so I have to act accordingly.

But when you remind yourself it’s literally impossible to go backwards, then you can actually look at it and say, oh maybe my circumstances changed, maybe it’s a new problem. Let me approach it with a beginner’s mind, but bringing and applying all of these new skills, all of these new beliefs I have about myself, and then it will get you out of the situation so much faster.

What could be true instead? I just realized I went a little out of order, so I apologize. Hopefully you’re still following, but now I’m going to come back to, this is actually the order I meant to do it in, it’s just not the order I said I was going to say it in, so I apologize.

What could be true instead, right? If you’re not starting over, if it’s impossible to go backwards, if those things are true, if all the things I just told you are true, then what could be true instead when you’re experiencing this?

It could be that you’re learning to apply, you know, a belief that you’ve worked on or a new skill that you’ve developed, you’re learning to apply it at a different level. The problem that you’re solving is just different at a new level than the ones that you’ve applied these new beliefs and new skills to in the past. It just feels a little harder and it feels like you’re new, right? It feels like, oh, I’m a beginner.

But just because it feels like it, that’s different than it being true, right? You’re not a beginner. You get to keep all the skills you’ve developed. Now you’re just applying it to a different level. It could also be that you’re applying them to different circumstances, something about your circumstances have changed or you changed them on purpose, but you still get to keep all this learning that you’ve had, all the growth that you’ve had. You get to keep all of it always. I’m just going to keep saying that over and over. I’m going to like brainwash you with it.

The other thing that could be true is that you had a human moment. We all have them, even coaches. And coaches actually are the worst at this because you think, coaches often think, like, ugh, but I’ve grown so much. I’ve put so much work into this new mindset, into my new beliefs, right? And it like really takes you out when you have a human moment.

That’s just an old programmed thought or the way you used to react to things, and you’re just having a bit of a thought error that is telling you that should never happen again because you’ve worked through it so much. And that’s just never true. Of course it can come up again, especially when it’s something that you really had to work hard to change, a deeply ingrained belief, right, or thoughts about yourself or about the world or, you know, something that is like you really had to work through it, of course they’re going to bubble up every once in a while.

Just because you’ve worked on them doesn’t mean they’re just eradicated from your brain and your body. It just means now you just know how to handle them when they do come up.

OK, so now let me give you some examples, because I think it’ll be a lot easier to see exactly what I’m talking about and apply everything I just said to these examples. So here are just a couple of examples that have come up with my clients recently that kind of prompted this episode.

So recently in the Coach Lab, I had a client who asked for coaching, and this was a brilliant question, brilliant coaching, it was so great. And she said she has a lot of clients, and she’s like, “I feel like I’m coming to kind of my capacity for coaching this amount of clients, and I’m just feeling like, how do I know that they’re getting results and how do I know they’re getting the results they hired me for how do I keep track of it all” and she had this brief moment where she said “I just can’t believe I’m back here again. It feels like I’m new” or something along those lines.

And what I had to kind of pause before we got even into the coaching, we just paused. I reminded her that isn’t true. This is just an up-level problem, right? Or like I said earlier, it’s like you’re at a new level, now you just have to learn to apply these skills that you’ve learned at this new level.

She was fine applying it when she had five clients, seven clients, 10 clients, however many. Now that she has however many clients she has now, I don’t remember the exact number, she has to take all of that learning and apply it here. And it might have to shift a bit, right? It might look like some of the actions might have to change.

But when she reminds herself, “No, of course I know what I’m doing. Of course I’m still the great coach I always was.” Then she problem solves very differently. So this isn’t like ignoring it and saying like, “Oh, it’s not a problem at all.” Maybe it is a problem if she is having a hard time keeping track of her clients from session to session or keeping track of their goals. Right? Like maybe there is a new plan that needs to be put in place, but it doesn’t mean that any of the skill that she had developed before is gone.

And it’s so important for you to know as a coach, this is always true. Another time this came up recently is I recently hosted a live event in Scottsdale. It was so fun. And one of my clients that was there, she had this moment of I had some time to kind of coach one-on-one with everybody there, and she had this moment of a big kind of self-doubt that was coming up, and it’s one that she’s worked on, you know, over and over in the past, we can all probably relate to that, right?

And she felt really down all of a sudden and it was like I cannot believe I’m getting coached on this again. Something along those lines. So again, I had to pause and just kind of show her, no, of course this is coming up for you, right? You’re growing, like your business is growing, you’re doing things at a level you’ve never done them before. Of course these self-doubts are popping back up. Just because you’re a coach doesn’t mean they’re erased from your human experience.

Of course they pop back up, but now you have tools to know what to do with them, right? And you have support. You have me, you have the Reimagined Mastermind, right? You have all of this that you have provided for yourself and all of the learning, all of the growth that you’ve had up until now, because we don’t go backwards, it’s impossible. So when you look at it through that lens, what does that change?

Another one, recently, so you’ve probably heard me talk about this on the podcast. If you’re listening in real time, I recently launched a new offer, the Coach Lab Business Pods, which we just opened up to my entire audience. So we will put the link in the show notes if you’re interested. If there are still spots left, you can use the link. If not, you can click it and it will say, join the wait list, which you can do if you want to.

Anyway, so I’ve been launching this and I’ve had a few people reach out to me because of the way, the price point and the way I’m kind of talking about it and structuring the offer. I’ve had a few people reach out to me and say, I really want to join this. It sounds amazing. It sounds like just what I need right now is the exact support I’m looking for. I love that it’s not super expensive. Like I want to be all in, but I’ve been in business for a while and it feels like I shouldn’t have to be working on this again. Right? Or I shouldn’t need this type of support. I should be more advanced. I should be further ahead. To which, of course, my response, just like all the other times, is like, that’s not true if there’s a specific reason that this support sounds amazing to you.

And for the people that brought this to me, when we dig in a little bit, right, like they would email me with a question or whatever. And when we dig into it a little bit, it’s like, oh, I’ve shifted my offer. And now, you know, the audience that I’ve built has shifted. Like it needs to shift a bit and it feels like I’m starting all over. Or you know, I’ve been on maternity leave for a while and I took some time off and now I’m coming back and it feels like I don’t know what I’m doing. I think this would be the perfect thing to get me going again, but also should I be back here? It feels like I’m a beginner.

You can see how just having that thought, I’m starting over, I’m a beginner, is just not useful. If they hadn’t reached out to me, it also would have kept them from just getting the support that they saw that they were like, this would be so perfect. If only I didn’t have to believe that I’m starting over again.

It’s actually really fun, I’ll tell you from experience, it can be really fun, because I’ve done this, to be in a room where you feel like you really know what’s going on, right? Like, oh, of course, almost like it’s a refresher, but you’re getting to apply it in a brand new way. There can be so much growth in that. And it sometimes can even feel a little easier than, let’s say, like the first time that you worked through it, the second time, third time, whatever, right? That you’ve worked through all the things because then it feels like so much new stuff coming at you, which is fine. That’s just a specific type of growth that you have to go through.

But when you aren’t a beginner and you’re not going backwards because it’s impossible, then you get to see, oh, great. I already feel really comfortable with some of this. Now I just get to learn it at a new level. Now I just get to learn it for this new offer, for this new iteration of my business currently.

Okay, here are a couple simple examples of what it might sound like if it’s your clients, right? And you’re gonna have to, I’m just gonna give you two examples, but then you can take these and translate them into what your clients might sound like when they’re coming to you.

So let’s say you are a relationship coach and your client comes to you and they’ve been I’m specifically thinking about my good friend, Maggie Reyes. I’m sure you’ve heard her on the podcast. She teaches something called soul centered communication. She actually has taught it inside the Coach Lab for communicating even with clients and it’s brilliant and Let’s say one of her clients comes to her and let’s say they’ve been working with her for a while and I’ve really transformed the way they show up and communicate with their partner and ask for what they want and also communicate in a way that makes the partner feel seen and heard and all the things, right?

And they’ve been working so hard on it and so many things have shifted. And then something happens and they’re caught off guard by the way they respond to something. There’s like a blow up and it reminds them of how they used to show up and like, you know, maybe instantly get mad over something or blame their partner or whatever it is that they’re doing. And they have the thought, I cannot believe that just happened.

Think about the difference right there in that moment. If that client goes to, oh my gosh, I’m starting from the beginning. And they erase all the work that they’ve done, all the difference that they’ve made in their relationship with their partner, and they really think that they’re starting over. When I even say this out loud, you probably are like, yeah, that’s silly. It was just one thing. But that is so often what I hear from coaches like this one thing happened and it just takes you out.

Now think about the difference if that happens and then they remind themselves. No, you can’t actually go backwards. That’s not a thing. I’m not starting over, this hasn’t erased the whole last let’s say year of work. I’ve done learning to really communicate openly, strongly with my partner in a way that benefits both of us, right? What if it can’t actually erase any of that? Then how do they respond? They probably show up so differently to solve what just happened.

Probably makes it a lot easier to apologize a lot easier to say like hey that I’m so sorry. I was tired I didn’t mean to respond that way or to even say hey, I did respond that way. I’m sorry. What you said was really, you know, like kind of show their partner why they responded that way. What you said was really unkind or what you said was you know whatever and it brought out this old response, but it even if let’s say there’s still some issue in the relationship, they’re still angry with their partner. Maybe they did something that is like not just little bickering, but like something really big has happened in the relationship, they can still tap into, and I know how to communicate effectively, even if the communication is, and I’m not okay with the situation or whatever, right?

Okay, another example might be, let’s say with your clients maybe you have them doing daily journaling or they follow some sort of exercise plan or they keep a food diary or anything like that, right? That’s like they do it consistently. Maybe they go on vacation. They like don’t do it for the whole week. And then they come back to you and they’re like, oh no, I’m starting over. I just let myself go the whole week. I didn’t journal once. I didn’t record anything I ate. I didn’t, you know, whatever it is, fill in the blank.

This is such a good opportunity to show them, that’s okay. You can’t go backwards. There’s no going backwards. Like any progress you made from doing that, however long they’ve been doing it, you get to keep all of that. And now they also, if they let go of all the shame and all the, anything that feels terrible about it now they have actually access to, oh, okay, well, let’s think about this for next time.

Maybe they’re like, I actually don’t want to have a food journal when I travel, or I don’t want to journal every day when I travel, right? And then you can help them put a plan in place for that. So it’s like now this is just part of the plan instead of them going all the way back to, oh, I’m starting over. This is terrible. And feeling shame, you know, dread, whatever.

It’s also a really good coaching opportunity for you to help them find their best way to stay on track or get back on track versus letting them just kind of shame themselves, maybe not really bring it up at all and then feel worse and worse about it, which can affect the way they overall show up for coaching, right?

Okay, now I’ll give you two of my examples. I am very human most of the time and yes, I have all of the coaching tools and yes, I use them often and still I have thoughts like this. So this is one that comes up often for me that I’ll share here. I’ve shared that if you’re my client, I’m sure you’ve heard me say this before, but anytime I’m sick or physically compromised and whatever, maybe my back is hurting really bad or some, you know, something is happening where that physically takes me out.

Let’s just say I’m sick. I’m sick for a week. Really sick, right? Last time I was sick, it was like, I think I had COVID. This was quite a while ago that I was that sick, and it just really took me out. And after a week of that, literally I was like, oh no, my business is crashing to the ground. I’m starting over. I’m, you know, I had all of those thoughts, which is so silly. When I’m not sick and I feel great, it’s so silly when I say that out loud, but I’m guessing you’ve probably experienced it before.

It could also be, maybe you’re not sick. Maybe if you’ve had this experience, maybe it’s like things are going great and then you have a launch or you sell a new offer or you do something that in the past has gone great and for whatever reason this time it doesn’t and you could have those thoughts. Oh my gosh I’ve lost, sometimes I hear it like I’ve lost my mojo. That is one of my favorite thoughts to coach on because that’s not true. You always get to keep your mojo for sure. It’s the same version. It’s just a different version of this same thought.

Another time very recently actually just this past weekend that this happened is we were traveling for my daughter’s, my daughter had a soccer tournament so we were traveling and I recently have been working with a health coach, I don’t think she calls herself a coach but whatever, I’ve been working on healing some stuff I have going on in my gut and my stomach, whatever. So I have been on a very strict eating protocol that I don’t have to keep forever, thank goodness, but right now we have been trying to figure some stuff out. So we’ve eliminated a lot of things and then I’ll probably, hopefully, slowly add them back in.

And I was doing so great, right? When I’m home, if you’ve ever done this, you know when you’re home, so much easier. I ran out of time to really prep. I’d planned to prep some food, take it with me, have it at the hotel, have it to snack on, whatever. At least like some healthy snacks or some snacks that are fine for, you know, that I’m allowed to eat so that I was never starving and like, oh, it’s an emergency. I didn’t do that.

And then I, of course, got, you know, myself into situations where I was super hungry, hadn’t eaten in a long time, nothing was available that fit all the protocols, so I just ate what I ate. And when we got home on Sunday, I kind of felt terrible and it made sense, right? It was like, of course I do because I didn’t do any of the things and it was also all at once I didn’t like ease in I was just like whatever if I’m gonna eat it, I’m gonna eat it and so I ate all the things which was probably just a whole shock to my system. So of course I felt terrible. I was so tired. My body in general was just sore and I woke up on Monday morning and I thought, oh here I am right back at the beginning.

And I caught it right away, right? And I was like, nope, that’s actually not true. And just think about that example. I’ve been working so hard to learn about my body, to learn what it’s okay with, what it’s not. We’re trying to heal some, I know some of you have heard me talk about having an allium allergy and we’re questioning even like is it an allergy? It might just be a sensitivity in which case can I heal it? It’s a whole thing and I reminded myself like no I can’t go backwards. All the learning I’ve done, all the progress I’ve made, I get to keep it. Right?

And it just instantly helped me shift into like drop any of the shame, drop any whatever. Like it already happened. I can’t go back and do it again. And also I felt bad enough that I’m like, oh, I’m going to be way better at planning the next time, hopefully.

Okay. And then the last place I see this show up sometimes for coaches is when your client wants coaching on something, like when you are working on something in your own niche and you feel like you have a setback.

So for example, maybe you’re a business coach and you’ve had a rough few months. You’re like, how can I even be a business coach when I haven’t made nearly the amount of money I wanted to make in my business or I have these things going on in my business, or I’m doubting myself, or whatever? This I see all the time with so many of my clients in some form, right?

You’re, maybe you’re a relationship coach and you have been recently arguing with your partner and you have thoughts about like, how could I be a great relationship coach if I’m having these issues? And just to come back, just as a reminder, any of the work that you’ve done, any of the growth that you’ve had, it never goes away. You can never go backwards.

And if you do relate to this last thing I said, I just want to put you at ease. Think about for yourself for a second. We’ll just go with my clients. Sometimes I’ll give my clients examples. I should talk about this on the podcast. I’ll give my clients examples of things that I had to work through previously in my coaching, right? That were like hard for me or like weird situations I had because it helps them like, oh, okay. Oh, she had this too. And here she is teaching us how to be a great coach.

And if you think about that for yourself, like, would you rather hire a coach who hasn’t had any bumps in the road, whatever their niche is, like it’s just always been easy and smooth and perfect, which honestly is hard to find because that’s not usually how the human experience works. Or would you rather have the coach that’s like, “Oh no, I had these hard things too. I really worked through them. I learned so much. I evolved. I had so much growth and here’s that has made me such a better coach for all of you because I can relate to everything that you’re going through.”

So just something to consider anytime that gets in your head. Just tell yourself. There’s no going backwards. It’s literally impossible to start over. It’s okay to ask for support at any level and you’re a better coach because of it.

All right. I hope this was super helpful. And one more time, if you have been thinking about joining the Business Pods, or if you’re intrigued and you just have thoughts that are like, “Ooh, but I shouldn’t need that support right now,” or “It’s for beginners and not for me,” that’s not true. I’m gonna tell you, the people that are joining, not all of them are beginners. Some are, and that’s perfect, and some are not. And some of the work we’re going to be doing will be divided up into groups, and I will be taking that into account.

I think if you are not a beginner, if you’re like, “I should be so much further past this,” I just wonder what it would be like if you just allowed yourself, how much easier would it be if you just allowed yourself the support that you would love to have. We’ll put that link in the show notes if you’re looking for it.

Alright, thank you for being here today and I will talk to you again next week. Goodbye! Thanks for listening to this episode of Mastering Coaching Skills. If you want to learn more about my work, come visit me at lindsaydotzlafcoaching.com. That’s Lindsay with an A, D-O-T-Z-L-A-F.com. See you next week.