Ep #66: Unhelpful Coaching Thoughts – Part 3: My Brain is Special

Hey, this is Lindsay Dotzlaf and you are listening to Mastering Coaching Skills, episode 66.

To really compete in the coaching industry, you have to be great at coaching. That’s why every week, I will be answering your questions, sharing my stories, and offering tips and advice so you can be the best at what you do. Let’s get to work.

Hey coach, I am so glad you’re here. I am so grateful to be recording this podcast today, I have had the busiest week in the best possible way.
I just spent a week getting my brain coached so hard, and me coaching other people and being an instructor in one of my coach’s masterminds, which is so fun. And yeah, my brain is just feeling a little mushy in the best possible way, which is a lead in, actually, to what I’m going to talk about today.

So one thing that I’ve been doing, and if you’ve listened to the last couple episodes I’ve been talking about the thoughts that are hurting your coaching, and that are just not useful when it comes to being the best possible coach you can be and just an amazing, masterful coach.

So today, I’m going to talk about a new thought which is, my brain is special or my client’s brains are special. Let me tell you what I mean by that. And actually, first I’m going to tell you what I don’t mean by that, because sometimes this thought can be very, very helpful.

And here’s how, sometimes we think that something is wrong with us, right? Like, why can’t I operate that way? Why doesn’t my brain work that way? Why does it take me longer to understand something? Why do I have to think about it for so long? Like whatever it is, right?

Sometimes we use that against ourselves and it really is just like a brain processing thing that we can’t necessarily change about ourselves. And to learn to think like, well, no, my brain is special. In some ways this is a really good thing, in some ways it’s not. That is not what we’re talking about today.

Those thoughts can be very useful. It’s like let me get to know my brain, let me get to understand how I interact with the world and how I can use that for me, versus something is wrong with me, right? So I’ll actually give you an example of this of, again, this is like not what I’m mostly going to be talking about today, but I just want to be really clear on the separation.

So I just said I just got home from spending a week, actually I was home most of the time. My family was sick so I started off the whole week virtually, and then I was able to go for the last day when everyone was better.

And a couple times a year I go to these events for a mastermind that I am in where I go and I get coached for a couple of days on my business and all of that. And one of my really good friends is usually there with me, her name is Lindsey Mango or Lindsey Goodman. And if you know her, you know she’s freaking amazing. And she is one of my best friends.

And a lot of times when we go to meet up and go to these mastermind events we will room together in a hotel. Not so much anymore, a lot of times I’ve discovered I like to have my own room. Nothing to do with her, but I just like to have my own room and have that quiet and space to really process and get the most out of the coaching that I’m there for. But in the past we used to always room together.

And it was so fascinating for me because my brain, I think, tends to process things a little slower sometimes. And one thing I’ve learned about myself going to events like this in person where it’s several days back to back of very intense learning and coaching is that I need some time to process all of it.

So I would go to these things, I would stay in a room with her. And at the end of the day we would just be chatting and she would be like, yep, I got everything done. I wrote five emails, I created my new funnel, I renamed my thing, I recorded a podcast. I don’t know, I’m exaggerating. But basically it would be like she had taken everything we had talked about that day, zero processing time and just turned it around into how it was useful in her business. And she was able to do that in real time.

And I spent a long time thinking, oh my gosh, why can’t I do that? There’s something wrong with me. And just kind of judging myself for that, not harshly but it was just the undercurrent of, I should be able to do that. Why can’t I do that? Something is wrong with me.

And now, of course, all the growth I’ve had over the last couple years, one of the biggest things has been just accepting that, no, this is just how I operate. Now, could I force myself to write a couple emails and to, you know, whatever, do things like that while I’m there? Of course. But in the times that I have, what’s interesting is I always come home and rewrite them anyway.

And being in this environment over and over, I can see now that usually I get so much more out of a few days like that when I have just the quiet and the space to process, oh, this is what happened today, without going into the, okay, I need to take action on all of it immediately. Now, there’s nothing right or wrong with either way, I have just really learned that that is what works for me.

So this is a case where it’s like, oh, my brain works differently than hers. So useful, right? I really just allow myself now that space. And we actually talk about this all the time and laugh about it. And in some ways this is also a really good thing, right? It’s like, for me, this has benefits that I can’t see when I’m judging myself against someone else.

So that’s one way that it’s useful to think my brain is special. And maybe if you work with certain types of clients that are similar to you, you could believe that about them as well. Of course, I could go into other ways that this thought is useful, right?

When you’re thinking that you don’t fit in, or that you’re weird, or anything that’s like you’re making it a bad thing about you that you’re kind of judging yourself for. Using that thought, like I’m different and that’s good. My brain is special, whatever. Any of those thoughts, these are all very useful. Also, using it in a way that’s like, however my brain works, it got me here. And that’s great. And I don’t have to make up for certain things that I see as bad, right? I just don’t have to judge it.

Okay, those are all good. These are amazing ways to think that your brain is special, that your client’s brains are special. And I’ve actually talked about this on the podcast before when I had Sally, one of the interviews I did with my clients, Sally, where we talked about she had recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

And she was just having so many thoughts about it and making it a bad thing. And then we had a whole conversation around how one thing that I helped her see was how she could really use that for herself. Right? Like, maybe you get frustrated when your brain does this and when your brain does this, but also it does these other things that some people’s don’t, right?

Okay, so that’s the first way. That’s like how to use that thought for you. And I wanted to start with that, so that when I lead into this next part you’re not thinking like, “Oh, I can’t think that my brain is special.” Of course you can, when it is working for you.

The thought my brain is special or my client’s brains are special can work against your coaching when you’re thinking of it like, “Well, my clients wouldn’t understand that because their brain works this way.” Or they wouldn’t understand this thing, or like I can’t do this with my clients because their brain works this way. I’m going to give you some examples.

I see this a lot in my mastermind. And what’s really interesting, and don’t worry, I’ll give you very specific examples. But what’s really interesting is that my clients that have this thought, they think like, “Well, I worked through it and I figured it out, and I understand coaching. I understand what coaching is and I’m able to be very coachable and receptive to coaching. But my clients, I don’t think they can do that.”

And so I always challenge them, like, “No, if you can and you think that you’re similar, they can too. Why are you believing that about them?” So I’ll give you some examples. One example is people who have lots of, I don’t really know how to say this, but like lots of education in one very specific area, where they have had to learn over time for their brain to work in a certain way that was very effective for their job.

So some examples of that that I have experienced are physicians, lawyers, accountants sometimes. And listen, if you’re a physician, I know there are lots of physicians listening because I’m friends with a lot of you and I just love you so much. And your brain is special and you get to keep that thought, but here’s how it’s hurting you. This is how I see it show up all the time in my mastermind.

There is a reason, for example, that you can go through medical school and do really well, right? It takes certain skills. And then when you become a physician you get trained on also having certain skills that help you do a really good job in your field. And I’m just using physicians as this specific example, but I’ll go into others too that are a little different.

But what happens is, a lot of times when clients come to me, they present it like this is just true. My brain is special, my client’s brains are also special, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And particularly for physicians, it might show up like a lot of times I’ll notice physicians are like, “My clients need really quick results and with as little hand holding as possible. And everything must be very structured, I can never take a day off, because my clients would judge me.” Just all the things, basically, that they were taught in medical school that just aren’t useful to think as a coach.

And what I always challenge them to do is just really think about how is that not true, right? And if these are things that you learned, you can also unlearn them. You can keep them where they benefit you, right? In some ways these things are the most amazing skills. But in some ways, when it comes to coaching and the way you think about your clients being receptive to coaching, it’s not useful.

A lot of lawyers, for example, will tell me the thought like, “No, but you don’t understand my clients.” Anytime my client says to me, “No, but you don’t understand,” I always just pause like, “Okay, tell me.” Whatever is coming after that, I just pause and let it sink in for them what they’ve said. Because it’s always something very, like they are just reporting the facts and I couldn’t possibly understand.

And in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “Oh yes, I’ve heard this 100 times. And I’ve been there, done that. Of course, I understand. You’ve come to the right place. So please tell me what do I not understand?”

But a lot of times my clients who are lawyers, or a lot of them love to call themselves recovering lawyers, tell me that, oh, but their clients are just very skeptical. They don’t believe in the whole thoughts create your results thing. Which is always kind of funny, because I’m like, well, you were a lawyer, do you believe in it? And usually the answer is yes. So then it’s like, well, if you got here, why do you think they can’t?

And what happens in that situation is that then they go into all their calls, almost kind of trying to trick their clients into doing mindset work, without calling it mindset work. Which is fascinating, right? Instead of just explaining upfront, here’s what we’re doing.

And listen, if you’re a lawyer or a physician and you’re listening, I know not all of you do this. I’m just using you as examples. Okay? You’re also amazing at what you do, keep going. But what happens is they then go into their calls creating skepticism, because they are being a little weird with their clients, a little wishy-washy on what coaching is. And trying to trick their clients into like mindset is the problem, right?

It’s like, we’re going to look at your thoughts but I’m not going to use any terms that might sound like I’m coaching you. We’re going to stay looking at just the actions, but every once in a while I’m going to slip a question there that’s like, what are your thoughts about this? And it just is not the most powerful coaching when you go at it like that.

Here’s another example, which is kind of almost the other side of the spectrum of brains, right? Going from one extreme like physicians, lawyers, people who typically perform very well in school and just have that type of a more analytical mind.

The other side of that is the creative mind, which interestingly, I get clients, like a lot of my clients come to me on both extreme sides of this spectrum. And I love all of you. Truly I do. I love it so much. I love your brains. I love how fun it is to have the differences in the room.

But I do coach a lot of artists and artsy types of people who have a much more creative brain, who have the exact same thought about their clients. This is how we know the thought isn’t true and isn’t useful, because it’s the exact same as the people on kind of the other end of the spectrum who react very differently to coaching, right?

So a lot of artists are like, “Oh, but my clients, they’re free spirits, and they don’t like structure. And, well, I can’t ask them to do the homework throughout the week because that’s just not how they operate.” Again, this is just all over generalizations, right? But those are just examples of how it shows up.

And I just always challenge that too. I’m like that’s not useful. When you are thinking that, anytime you’re thinking that, my clients just won’t understand you as the coach are just not going all in on the coaching process.

Another way this shows up is if you are a person, so I’ve shared this before how I’m a pretty analytical, like logical thinking type person. I like a lot of order and just things to make sense, like logical sense, right? And that doesn’t mean that any coaching that I receive should only be focused on that.

It’s actually really beneficial when I’ve been in situations where I get lots of coaching on like, how am I feeling? What is coming up for me? What are the emotions around all of this? What are the feelings? That is so useful for me and I’m just so grateful that my coaches have stuck with it because I’ve learned so much from that.

And actually, if my best friend, Sheri Strzelecki, is listening right now, she might be like, “Lindsay, you have to stop saying that.” Because here’s what’s funny is I’m doing what my clients do, right? This thought about myself that’s like I’m analytical, I’m whatever, is kind of just a thought because I also have really big feelings. Just for a long time I didn’t know how to feel them. And now I do. It’s just something I’ve had to work on over time.

So just notice anytime you are thinking, and I’m sure there are so many more examples. I could go on and on about all the examples. Anytime you’re thinking, “Yeah, but my clients…” or, “Yeah, but Lindsay, you just don’t understand,” really stop and question that. Because, like I said earlier, when you go down that path and when you’re thinking, “But this is special, but I’m special, and also my clients are special,” it really keeps you, it prevents you from going all in on figuring out how to really coach them.

What I hear when you tell me that, when a client tells me this, is my clients are all very, fill in the blank, right? They all have this trait in common, I don’t know how to coach through that. So instead, I’m just going to decide my clients are all like this, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I don’t know how to help them and give them the most powerful coaching when they’re acting like that.

And that is ridiculous. You’re your clients are coachable, as long as you know how to teach them to be coachable. And I’m not saying that doesn’t mean that there are times that you adapt your coaching to certain styles of clients, right, to certain traits that your clients might have. That can be really useful to really say like, what is the best way to coach them?

What isn’t useful is to think their brain is special, they’re never going to understand this. And so I’m just not going to do it. I’m just going to trick them and pretend like I’m not coaching them, but I’m really coaching them. Which to me is just code for I’m not being the most powerful coach I can be.

Another way that shows up sometimes is, yeah, but my clients are just really focused on the actions. They just want to take action all day, they just love the actions. So I can’t really tell them about mindset, it’s the exact same thing, right? It’s like sometimes I evaluate coaching calls and when I’m evaluating calls where I see this happening, the coaches just gets so tricky sometimes.

I see you, I see you all just trying to trick your clients like, yeah, I’m just going to give them all the actions about how to make money, how to lose weight, how to fill in the blank, whatever. And just not tell them that I’m going to get in there and do some work on their thoughts and their feelings. We’re just going to leave that part out. I’m going to get real sneaky about it. Just don’t do that. Just tell your clients up front, hey, this is what we’re doing. Are you in or are you out?

Okay, now there are times when thoughts like this can be useful. I know I gave you an example in the beginning, but I’m going to give you a different kind of example now that I’ve explained how it’s not useful. One more way that it can be useful is when you think, “Okay, I have this group of clients, they all have this very similar trait. How can I be sure they get the most out of the container I’m creating?”

So I’ll give you an example. Just today in my mastermind I have a client, an incredible client who coaches groups of people who have ADHD and she helps them with their productivity and just like basically getting things done for people with ADHD. Brilliant niche, love it. And we were talking today about her group calls and she was kind of explaining some things to me.

And one thing I asked her is well how can you make this the best environment for them? That’s very different than thinking they’re special, they’re not going to get it. They’re not going to understand the coaching. But you can ask yourself, how can I set this up in a way that they’re the most likely to succeed?

Now, I did not tell her to do, I didn’t give her specific instructions, “Okay, go do this.” But I’m going to give some examples now, which are, she could decide, oh, my calls are 90 minutes long. Everyone on this call has ADHD, everyone on this call has problems sitting still for that long. Maybe we take a break in the middle. Five minutes, they get up, they walk around, they whatever, right?

Now, these are not my clients, so I don’t actually know if that would be useful. But just something, right? One thing she suggested is like, oh, maybe I keep the chat open for very specific reasons. And let them check in, like do a check in every once in a while, how’s everyone feeling?

Now, I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know what the best thing is to do. But this is great problem solving, right? This is seeing like, oh, my clients are having a hard time making it through these calls. And because I know them so well I’m going to ask myself how do I set this up so that we all succeed?

That is very different than thinking, my clients just don’t know how to be coached because their brain is special. It’s like mine, my brain is special, so I get it. It’s like that whole story that just goes together. So that’s it. You’re only allowed to think your clients are special when it really works in their favor, in your favor, when it’s just working for everyone. Not when it’s just preventing you from coaching them. So don’t do that. All right?

All right. I will be back next week with one more thought that is not helping you be an amazing coach. And I’ll see you then. Bye.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Mastering Coaching Skills. If you want to learn more about my work, come visit me at lindsaydotzlafcoaching.com. That’s Lindsay with an A, D-O-T-Z-L-A-F.com. see you next week.