Ep #68: The Truth About Coaching Anyone on Anything

Hey, this is Lindsay Dotzlaf and you are listening to Mastering Coaching Skills, episode 68.

To really compete in the coaching industry, you have to be great at coaching. That’s why every week, I will be answering your questions, sharing my stories, and offering tips and advice so you can be the best at what you do. Let’s get to work.

Oh, hey, coach, it’s Lindsay and I want to let you in on a little secret before we get started in today’s episode. And really, it’s not such a little secret because it feels really big and exciting. And it’s not really a secret because I’ve hinted at it a couple times already on the podcast. And today I’m just going to give you the details.

I know some of you are going to be very excited based on the number of emails, and questions, and messages I have been getting begging for the information. And I just haven’t given it to you, I’m sorry. But now I’m ready, I have a plan, and I cannot wait to tell you.

So pull over, turn off the car, stop cooking dinner, get out of the shower, whatever you need to do. Grab a pen and write down, just scribble a little note, Lindsay’s new program, The Coach Lab, launching March 9th. And then make sure you put like a little asterisks by that and write March 9th to March 11th promotion for founding members.

What that means is I created a program for you. And I can’t wait for you to be there. And because of that, I also created a special bonus and a gift for you when you sign up in the first couple days the program is open. So, if you want more information, if you can’t wait to join, if you’re curious, whatever it is, come join the wait list. This is very important, that way you will not miss that promotional period.

Because listen, if you email me a couple days later and say you missed it, I’m going to say here’s the link, you can still buy the program, but not for the promotional price. All right? So get on the wait list, you can find me on Instagram, just @Lindsaydotzlaf, and click on the little link at the top, go to the options, click on the coach lab wait list, add your email, you’ll be added.

Or I will also link up an option in the show notes. So you can go to my website, and click on the show notes. And there will be an option there to join the wait list. I can’t wait to see you there. That’s all I’m going to say for now. Let’s dive into today’s episode.

So, first of all, I just want to start by telling you, I must just be in a good mood today, I just want to tell you how much I love all of you. I have to say you’ve sent me so many messages about how I start the podcast, and what you would like me to call you.

Some of you have sent me some very funny messages, and I love that. I’m always here for a good time and a laugh, right up my alley. Some of you have sent me some very thoughtful messages. For the most part so many of you said, “Who cares what you call me, just keep doing your thing and keep them coming.” Yes, I love that so much. Thank you.

And just to be clear, I was not having a lot of drama about this. But I just love how much you have my back anyway. And there were quite a few of you who said I just love it when you say “hey coach” because, especially for those of you that are newer and that’s really an identity that you’re practicing stepping into, that you are a coach. You said it’s really helpful when I say that. So that’s what I went with today. We’ll see. I’m sure I’ll mix it up.

But that is enough about my podcast and beginning, I want to talk about some coaching today. And I’m going to do something a little different, I posted something on Instagram, I think last week maybe. And I had a few messages about it asking me like hey, could you explain this more? Or could you dive into this a little more? And so I’m going to read you what I posted and go into a little more details around what I mean on some of them.

This is going to be kind of a quick episode. I’m not going to go into tons and tons of details. Some of them I will probably just be creating a separate episode going a little deeper into the concept, into what I’m talking about. But for now, I’m just going to read it to you and just kind of go through it.

So I just posted photos of words, like what the words say, “I know my marketing says I can help you coach any client on anything, but here’s the truth, there should really be about 20 asterisks after that, like…” And then I go on to give some examples of when you don’t need to be able to coach any clients on anything. Right?

This is part of what I talk about in my marketing, and I’m going to go through the asterisks that I posted. But first I want to talk about what does it mean when I say coach any client on anything. What I mean by that is coach any client who wants your coaching on anything that they ask you for coaching on.

Every once in a while, I will have clients who come to me and say, this is like mastermind clients or just people that I’ve worked with in the past who say, “I don’t know if this is working because I really want to be able to coach anyone on anything and I don’t think I can.” And I’ll start asking them questions and we’ll dive into it.

And what I’ll find out is, no, they are fine. They’re doing an amazing job coaching their clients. But then they’ll give me examples like, well, I just really want to be able to coach my mom on this thing that is happening in her life and she’s just having such a hard time. Or my personal favorite, I really want to be able to coach my partner into doing things differently, or some version of that. And that is not at all what I mean.

I know I’ve talked about this briefly on this podcast before, but I just think it’s worth mentioning. And the place where I say this is on my Instagram bio, which only allows a very few amount of words. And so that’s why I think this is important to really dive into what do I mean by that, because I certainly don’t mean coaching your mom, or your partner, or your best friend without consent.

So that’s the first one, right? I would love to be able to coach you, I want you to be able to coach any client on anything, and then asterisk with consent. And what I mean by that is someone who wants your coaching. Someone who has asked you to coach them and really understand what it means for you to coach them.

So, obviously, one example of this would be a client, right? Someone pays you money to coach them. You’ve gotten really clear on the results they want to create, on why they’re hiring you, on what you do. That is a very clear coach/client situation. However, I do think there are situations even when a client comes to you in a session, that it could still be important to ask consent to coach.

So one of those is if their emotions are very heightened, right? If they are really in it, they are really emotional and they might need a minute. They might not be ready to move out of that situation, right? They might not be ready for coaching, maybe it’s your job at that point to just listen.

And then find the point where it’s appropriate to say, “Would you like coaching on this? Or do you want to just keep talking? Do you want to move on to something else?” You can give other options in a very loving way, caring way towards your client where it really is putting your client in control.

Your client should always feel like they’re in control of the coaching, of the consent, of the relationship. And so that is one way where even if they are your client, and they’re paying you, and it’s in a session, you still might ask for consent.

Another time where consent is very important, is let’s say a friend approaches you and says, “Hey, do you think you could coach me on something?” Now, if you’re a coach and they’re a coach, hopefully, like I coach my colleagues, I coach my peers. Hopefully they know what coaching is and they know what they’re asking for.

But let’s say they aren’t. They’re just your friend and you’re a coach, maybe they aren’t completely clear on what coaching is and they think they’re just going to run something by you and you’re going to give them advice. Again, in that situation I think it’s really important to just make sure there’s consent, right?

Just so everyone’s on the same page because it doesn’t feel amazing, even if they ask you for coaching, it might not feel amazing to them if you start pointing out to them how their thoughts, their emotions are influencing the actions that they’re taking and results that they’re creating. Especially if they’re like, “Okay, this bad thing in my life is happening.” They really might just want you to listen as a friend, maybe give advice if that’s what they’re looking for. But again, consent is important.

And then the other part of this, where consent is probably the most important, is when you think, “Oh, this person could really use some coaching.” And you really feel an urge to just dive in and get to it. I know I’ve said this before, but I just can’t tell you how important that is.

There could be a small space there where it’s like, “Hey, let me offer you this if you want it. I can help you, here’s how.” Maybe, depends on the situation, right? But that is just never the time to coach someone without knowing it. That is the fastest way to create not an amazing situation and to kind of drive a wedge possibly into that relationship.

Okay, the next little asterisk of coaching anyone on anything is while knowing your limits as a coach. So what I meant by this is knowing the tools that you have and knowing when to use them. Knowing when they are the right, appropriate tool for the job.

So what I mean by this is there are so many coaching tools, right? I know a lot of you listening, sometimes you get a little bent out of shape when I say this because you have been trained in one very specific tool or style and you’re like, “No, no, but this is the best one.” But really, there are so many. There are so many tools we can use with our clients, there are so many styles of coaching, there are just so many options.

And there could be situations where clients come to you and they want coaching on something. And the tools and approach that you have may not be the best for that situation. And sometimes it might not even be that you don’t have the proper tool for the situation, but maybe they are wanting you to tell them how to do something, right, to like give them a strategy. And I’ll give you an example of this.

But maybe they want you to give them a strategy and you think, “Oh no, I need to be able to do that.” And so you make one up or give them one that you have heard somewhere else that you don’t know if it’ll work. And you’re just kind of like throwing it out there and really thinking that to them the most important thing is that you’re like telling them how to move forward.

That is not always true. And not only that, but when whatever you tell them doesn’t work, who do you think they’re going to be upset with? Probably not themselves. I mean, maybe themselves, but probably also you. So I’ll give you an example of that.

When I was a newer coach and in the first, I don’t know, a couple few, a years of my business I was a general life coach. And I really just called myself a mindset coach. So I didn’t have a lot of strategies for things. So when my clients would come to me, let’s say they came to me and said–

A lot of my clients were entrepreneurs and I was kind of coaching them not on making money in their business, but I would coach them on all their thoughts about their business. They had all kinds of businesses because I was an entrepreneur, at the time I’d had a couple businesses so it made sense that’s what most of my clients were.

And so let’s say one of my clients came to me and said, “So I started this new thing and I’m running Facebook ads.” And then asked me a question about Facebook ads. And I was always so honest, right? And I would say, “Listen, I have no idea. You’re doing this thing, it sounds great. Let’s just examine your thoughts about it. Let’s really dive in to how you’re thinking about this, why did you decide to do it? Why do you think it’s going to work? What’s making you uncomfortable?” Just whatever was appropriate for the situation.

But I was always very clear. Even when clients were hiring me I was very clear, I am a mindset coach. I am not going to give you, for example, business building strategies, right? I’m not going to give you my 20 step plan to making X amount of money. That’s just not what I did. And I was so clear about it.

Okay, the next thing is I teach you to coach any client on anything while respecting client boundaries. That’s the nest Asterisk. And what I mean by that is being willing to lovingly challenge your clients, and at the same time believe that they know themselves better than you do.

So this one is a little tricky because it can sometimes as a coach, especially when you have a lot of experience as a coach, it can sometimes be easy to see things that your client isn’t seeing, right? Like they’re telling you a story and you’re like, “Oh, yeah, I see.”

Like they tell you, I’m thinking this and then this whole situation happened. And you can kind of see right away from experience like, oh, yeah, of course, when you’re thinking that, then you like said this to him and you acted like this. And, of course, this happened, right?

But you want to be careful of jumping in right there and saying, “Oh yeah, yeah, I see it. Let me show you.” You want to stay curious and stay open with your client so they have the opportunity to really tell you, “Okay, now, this is what happened,” or this is actually what I was thinking. I just think it’s really important to allow that kind of exploration in your coaching.

Client boundaries could also be something like a client saying, “I don’t want coaching on this right now,” or, “I don’t want to talk about this today.” Right? Maybe either you have a specific process that you use, or maybe you gave your client homework last week, and now they’re coming back this week to a session and you have a plan.

And you’re like, “Okay, well, this is what we did last week, and here’s what we’re going to do this week.” And then you get on the phone with your client and something completely different has happened over the week and they want coaching on that. Or don’t want coaching on whatever it was that you had planned.

And I think that this is a skill that you learn as you go as a coach, and especially as you become just a more and more skilled coach of allowing your clients to have those boundaries and to be able to say, “No, I don’t want to actually do this today.” Or I really don’t want to talk about this person today or talk about my business today, or I have something more pressing that I would rather coach on.

And, of course, this depends on the container that you’re coaching in. So if you have a program and you’re coaching hundreds of people at a time and one person comes and they want coaching on something that’s completely outside of your process, that’s very different.

That is a different situation, I’m going to do a whole other call about things like that, things that change when you’re coaching in a group, or coaching in a program, or a course. Things that are just different and boundaries that you can set as a coach. But this is very different, right? This would mostly be in one-on-one coaching, or even respecting client boundaries within your process, right? Even if it is in a group or is in a program, allowing them to say I don’t want coaching on this today.

Okay, the next one, and the next caveat to coaching anyone on anything is within your boundaries as a coach. Now, this could look like many different things but I just want to tell you in case no one has ever told you this, you are allowed to have topics that you just don’t coach on. And you don’t even have to explain why.

So, for example, if you have some kind of past, let’s say trauma or life situation that wasn’t maybe amazing. And you have a client who comes to you, and they want coaching on this thing, and it immediately starts bringing up memories for you or taking your brain to a place that you know you can’t be an effective coach for your client in that moment. Sure, you can work on that if you want to.

You are also just allowed to say, lovingly, “Oh, I actually am not the best coach for this.” And give them, you know, if it’s something that they really want to work on, find a referral, right? I know someone who would love to work with you on this.

Or maybe it’s like a therapy situation or you’re thinking they need something that isn’t coaching. Or they need someone who is much more skilled at coaching on traumas or certain types of traumas that you just don’t have experience doing. You are allowed to tell clients that you don’t coach on this thing.

Now, of course, you want to be really clear about this from the beginning. So you wouldn’t want to let someone hire you to coach them on something that you know upfront you can’t coach on. Right? So you might want to just ask yourself, are there any topics that I don’t coach on?

As I was growing my business, even when I was a general life coach, there were a couple things that I wouldn’t coach on because I just knew I couldn’t be neutral. I knew I couldn’t be the best coach for them. And then there were a couple things that it was just like I don’t like to coach on them, also knowing that means I’m not going to be the best coach for them and I just don’t want too.

And at that point, I was narrowing down what type of coach I was. And I would just be really clear about some of it, like I’m not going to coach on weight loss, I’m not going to coach on buffering with food, or alcohol, or drugs, or any of that. That is just not my jam. It’s not what I like to do and I am not great at it.

Because, listen, if you come to me as my client and you want coaching on weight loss, I’m going to convince you that you just need to love your body. That’s what’s going to happen and so I just know that’s just not my thing, right?

And I’m making light of that, and the bigger reason that I wouldn’t do that is because I just know this is not what I like to coach on. It’s not my area of expertise. And I could coach you on it or I can refer you to one of my amazing colleagues who coaches on this specific thing all day, every day.

And then to bring it back to having boundaries as far as things that you just don’t like to coach on because they bring up certain things for you, that’s okay, too. You’re allowed to have those. There was always one thing that I would never coach on and I felt great about it. So I’m giving you permission today to decide I just don’t want to coach on this, period. The end, no explanation needed.

And then the last one, the last kind of Asterisk or caveat of coaching anyone on anything is while knowing what type of safety you are equipped and willing to create. So this is another one I will definitely be diving more into. The main thing I want you to take away from this right now is just really being honest about who is a good fit for your coaching and for your communities.

So this goes back a little bit to knowing what tools and methods you have and what they are great for and what they aren’t. So that comes into play a little bit here. But also just thinking about your communities and thinking who is this a safe space for? And who isn’t it? And again, I’ll be diving a lot more into this.

But it doesn’t even have to be a huge, oh my gosh, I must create safety for every human. That’s not always true. And by safety I just mean mental safety, right? Obviously not any other kind of safety. But I’ll give you some examples where this is probably obvious, but sometimes it happens. I know, it happens to some of my colleagues who have memberships and programs with lots of members.

Think about something like a community, one of my colleagues, Maisie Hill, who is incredible and my good friend, she has a community, I’m going to get it wrong, I think it’s called The Flow Collective. And she has a book called Period Power. And her membership is all women who have periods. Who are menstruating, who are at a phase in their life where that is something that is happening to them.

It’s not a gender identity, it’s not any of that. But it is like this community is only for people who are having periods, no matter your gender, no matter any of the things, right? Like if you’re not having a period, it’s not for you.

And that’s for two reasons, right? It’s like first of all, it creates safety for the person, if there is a person who would want to join that community. And there are so many like this, I’m just using that specific one as an example. But let’s say there’s someone who wants to join that has no business being there, right? First of all, it’s creating safety for them because it’s a waste of their money, it wouldn’t really make sense, they wouldn’t get anything out of it.

It’s also creating safety for the people that are in the group, right? Because the people in the group are going to be talking about very specific things all centered around this topic and might feel weird talking about it if someone is in the group who isn’t at this point in their life, right? It would be the same thing as like a young kid joining the group or it could just be like this just doesn’t make sense for anyone.

So I want you to think about that. And for some of you it might be, especially if you’re taking one on one clients and your work is very individualized with each of your clients, you might not have a lot of people that you don’t feel like you could create safety for. But it is important to take a moment and just consider it.

And yes, I know some of you right now are probably thinking no, but safety is created in our own minds. And this is like a yes and, right? That is true, we can create our own safety. It’s really important to be able to do that, but I always think about it like I want to create the most safety possible for anyone coming into my space. I want to just set them up to win. I want to set them up to have an amazing experience in my space. I want to also be very honest if it’s not going to work for them, right?

So for example, I just announced I have this program coming out, there could be examples of humans who I am not prepared to serve at the highest level. Right? So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, because I’m creating a bunch of videos and creating a portal, a vault with a bunch of videos and all the things.

And I’ve been thinking, “Okay, this is a video, right? It means you have to be able to hear it and watch it, possibly.” And I’ve just been thinking of all of the amazing humans who maybe can’t do one of those things. Am I prepared to create safety for that person in my community?

And I’ve been looking into options, and there’s a good chance that, yes, I will be. But if someone comes to me and says, hey, I have this thing, right, this difference than maybe most of the people in your community, do you think this is a good space for me? I am prepared to just be really honest. And I encourage you to do the same.

Maybe just do a little audit, like who are my spaces safe for? Who are they not? Who am I really setting up to have an amazing experience in my presence, in my space, in my community, in my mastermind, in my whatever, right? And who am I not?

And it doesn’t have to be, okay, now I have to figure out how to make sure I can include everyone because sometimes it makes sense, just like the example I gave of The Flow Collective. I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s called, I’m going to have to double check with Maisie. But just like that wouldn’t make sense, she doesn’t need to figure out how everyone can be included. It is just for certain people, right?

But just be really honest with that with yourself, with your people, and carry on, Coach. You’re doing an amazing job and just keep going. And I can’t wait to see you in my upcoming program.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Mastering Coaching Skills. If you want to learn more about my work, come visit me at lindsaydotzlafcoaching.com. That’s Lindsay with an A, D-O-T-Z-L-A-F.com. see you next week.